Almost every parent wants a positive relationship with their child. We want our kids to be confident, thoughtful and kind. But let’s be honest: parenting is not for the faint of heart. If you feel like half the time (or more) you have no clue what you’re doing, you’re not alone.

Here’s what you need to know about positive parenting and how to practice it with your kid.

What is positive parenting?

Positive parenting is a researched-based parenting style that focuses on celebrating positive behavior more than correcting or punishing negative behavior.

According to research scientist Heather Lonczak, positive parenting is:

• ‘Warm, yet firm’
• ‘Assertive, but not intrusive’
• ‘Supportive in terms of discipline, but not punitive’

While there are many benefits to positive parenting (more on those in a bit), it’s just as important to recognize what positive parenting is not:

• A cure-all. Positive parenting can reduce negative behaviors. But as with any approach to parenting, it won’t make problems magically disappear.
• Anti-discipline. This approach does not rely on punitive consequences, but allows children to experience the natural consequences of their behavior and supports setting reasonable, effective limits.
• Toxic positivity. Positive parenting doesn’t mean you have to put on a happy face 24/7. In fact, some experts point out that it can be healthy for your child to see you get frustrated from time to time, because it helps them learn how to manage their own negative emotions.

Positive parenting is not about adding to the constant pressure you already feel to be a ‘better’ parent. Parenting is hard enough without that. This is about giving you the tools you need to build a strong, healthy connection with your child.

Benefits of positive parenting

Researchers have identified a number of benefits to positive parenting, including:

• Improved confidence, self-esteem and decision-making skills
• Reduced negative or disruptive behaviors (according to a review of more than 100 parenting studies, the effects are long-lasting, too)
• Better physical health

Positive parenting can even mitigate the negative impact of common family stressors, such as poverty or single parenting.

In other words, no matter your family situation, positive parenting can equip your child with what they need to thrive.

4 essentials of positive parenting

There are four key principles that set positive parenting apart from other parenting styles:

1. Children deserve to be treated with respect.
2. Positive behavior should be celebrated.
3. Kids should be given choices whenever possible.
4. Discipline should be positive.

When it comes to discipline, positive parenting prioritizes brief and effective consequences for misbehavior. These consequences are designed to redirect rather than punish, teaching children the correct behaviors.

We’ll share some tips below for handling discipline in a positive parenting framework. But for now the important thing to note is that positive parenting never resorts to physical punishment. It’s ineffective at changing negative behaviour long-term, and a wealth of research has shown that it may have long-term negative effects on children’s emotions and behaviour.

How to practise positive parenting

There are a few simple things you can do to start practicing positive parenting with your child:

Pay attention to what your child is feeling. Sometimes when a child misbehaves, there’s something else going on beneath the surface. Try putting yourself in their shoes by asking a few questions:

• Are they trying to get my attention?
• Are they anxious about something?
• Are they overwhelmed?
• Are they bored?

Carve out one-on-one time with your child. Kids need positive attention. When they don’t get enough, they act out because negative attention is better than no attention.

The solution? Spend regular, individual time with your child. You could read a book to them, play a game together, or go exploring outside. It doesn’t need to be a big chunk of time. Even 15-20 minutes a day will make a difference. Just be sure to set aside any distractions (put that phone away) to give your child your full attention.

Catch your child being good. This gets to the core of positive parenting. According to parenting experts, kids respond to praise much more than they do to negative feedback. So when you see your child complete a task (or even make an effort), you should respond with praise and positive attention Focus on the behaviors you want your child to show more of.

It could be a hug or a pat on the back (though don’t reserve physical affection for when they do something good). Be sure to give verbal praise too – and be specific. For example…

1. Instead of: Good job on your homework…
2. Try this: I saw how careful you were to double check each maths problem. I’m proud of you!

It’s also important to praise actions rather than personal characteristics. For example…

1. Instead of: You’re such a generous person…
2. Try this: That was generous of you to share your toy with your sister.

This way, if (or when) your child fails at something, they’ll be less likely to internalize it as a personal defect.

Set clear expectations. Discuss the kind of behavior you expect from your child before problems come up. Be sure to set realistic, achievable expectations, and communicate them clearly and calmly. For many kids, especially those with ADHD, getting too many instructions all at once can be overwhelming. Try breaking tasks into smaller, more doable parts.

One good way to motivate your child is by using the “when-then” method, letting them know what they need to do before moving on to something they want to do.

1. Instead of: If you do your homework, I’ll let you play with your friends.
2. Try this: When your homework is done, you can play with your friend.

It may seem like a subtle difference, but using “when-then” instead of “if-then” can help you set clear priorities without resorting to bribes.

Family rules are also helpful to establish. Set rules for what behaviors are expected in the house and remember to phrase them positively.

1. Instead of: Don’t yell!
2. Try this: Speak nicely to each other.

What about when your child misbehaves?

No parenting method can prevent every issue or produce perfectly behaved kids. So what do you do when your child misbehaves or fails to meet the expectations you’ve set?

Choose your battles

Really, it’s best if you don’t think of them as ‘battles’ at all. Your child is not your adversary (even when it feels like they are bent on breaking you).

Some experts advise trying something called ‘planned ignoring’. It may seem counterintuitive, but there’s a surprisingly good reason for it. Kids act out to get your attention. Responding to every provocation essentially rewards your child for misbehaving, so they keep doing it. Try ignoring at least some of their misbehavior instead of giving negative attention.

A similar strategy suggested by the National Childbirth Trust is to keep a ‘misdemeanour quota’. The goal is to make sure your positive interactions with your child outnumber the negative ones each day, even if it means overlooking some minor misbehaviors.​

There may be some behaviours you just can’t ignore: a flat-out refusal to comply, aggression or overt rule-breaking. Brief time-outs can be an effective strategy for encouraging compliance and improving emotional regulation in children aged 2-9 years.

Communicate the consequences ahead of time

Make sure your child knows the consequences for misbehaviour before there’s a problem. The more you set clear expectations (see above), the easier this will be. Depending on your child’s age, giving them some control over what happens next can help redirect their behaviour.

Give consequences appropriate to the behavior and your child’s age

Consequences for misbehavior might include losing a related activity or privilege. The loss of privileges can be harder for toddler- and preschool-age children to understand, so be sure to keep their age and developmental stage in mind.

Some behaviors have natural consequences – forgetting to turn in their homework at school, for example. In these cases, you don’t necessarily need to pile on. The natural consequences may be enough.

Parenting is anything but easy, and there are no foolproof strategies for success. But by focusing on what you can control, letting go of the rest, and by practicing these positive parenting techniques, you can build a healthy, loving, mutually respectful connection with your child.